Letters To You |
When we are up...we're up. When we are down...we're down. This is the only way I know how to deal with it. Make sense of it. |
Through all of this, I feel like I have failed myself the most. I continuously say that I am done. That I can not possibly take anymore. Anyone who finds this blog will probably agree that I am pretty fucked up. That I am a hypocrite of my own words.
It’s true. It’s all true.
I had this conversation with you the other night. It doesn’t matter what you do to me. How horribly you treat me. How badly you hurt my heart…I will be the girl, that girl that is always sitting right next to you. I can’t explain why I am. I have went over it a million times in my head. What make me do this to myself.
I wonder if I am so truly unhappy that in my head, you are what I need…for now. Sometimes I wonder after all that you have put me through if you are even good for me. I don’t know if you are what I really want. If you are good for me. It’s always said that you can’t help who you love. In this situation I really think that is true. I have tried so many times to hate you with everything in me. You have given me such great reasons to hate you. But…I can’t. I don’t know why.
I shouldn’t have to ask myself over and over again why I do this. I see so much good in you. I see all the potential in the world of you. Some days you live up to the standard. Some days you don’t. I wish it were much easier than it is. I wish I could trust you enough to just walk away, start again and believe that you will be just as committed as I am. That is what I’m scared of. That you won’t always be there. That you want me for right now. When you want me. I’m afraid that you just may discard me and then I’ll be left with nothing.
I have sacrificed a lot for you. At times my entire mental stability. I have tried to love my husband with all of my heart. I truly have tried. I can’t. I don’t think I will ever be able to again. My heart is with you. Through all this bullshit. It has been with you for a very long time. It isn’t something I can just shake off and get over.
Eventually, I hope that all of this will be a lot easier for both of us. I’m tired of living this way. But we both know I can’t just walk away. It’s not that easy. It has never been that easy. It never will be that easy.
